Waiting on intervention or provision from God can at times seem like fishing in the sole, small pond of a vast unending desert – heartbreakingly desperate, unbelievably necessary, and highly unlikely to succeed. Yet,
the ‘story of my life’ is proving to be a series of demonstrations that irrefutably establish His faithfulness, and is therefore not at all the story of my life – but His story through and in my life.
Immediately after my husband and I were married, we began to try to have children. Previous to our marriage, we had both proven unable to bear children. Yet, while he secretly believed himself unable, the record of my infertility was medically documented quite extensively. My heart ached whenever I would see other women with children who seemed to be ignored, neglected or abused. Inwardly I groaned in confusion regarding the God to whom I had given my life, but who had not yet opened my womb. I cried both internally and externally at my barrenness. My pain was too much for my husband. The agony and depression that would follow each negative pregnancy test eventually caused him to ban me from taking any more. After some time, our insurance finally approved fertility treatments based on the history of my infertility, both before and during our marriage. Yet, immediately before it was time to begin, I felt the Lord asking me to wait on Him.
I did not understand, and I did not like it. But, with a heavy heart, I obeyed.
One of my most intimate memories occurred during this testing season. In it, I stood at a window in front of our balcony with tears rolling down my face. With a breaking heart, I cried out to God for answers regarding his seeming disregard for my plight. I reminded Him of the life that I had lived in the past, and how I given my life and heart to Christ, and strived daily to live in accordance with His will. I questioned how those who lived in disobedience to His will could bear children so easily, while I worked tirelessly in ministry and love, but could not. This incident took place approximately three months before we would find that we had finally successfully conceived. Without the help of modern medicine, we were suddenly expecting our first child, a much longed for daughter. Her birth brought celebratory joy to my entire family, as it was common knowledge that I had been unable to have children. But, God was not finished. Within 8 years, He blessed me with four more beautiful babies.
There is no doubt that the waiting season for a longed for intervention from God can at times seem heartbreaking. We wrestle with whether or not He hears us, and wonder whether He cares. If we have learned that He cares, we question whether His will for our lives includes the provision of the thing that we seek. We struggle with walking the line of submitting to His unknown will, and walking in faith for that which we desire. We ask “What if our desire is not in accordance with His will?” This inner turmoil can take its toil on our peace and our joy, until finally a breaking point occurs.
Upon arriving at this breaking point, we find that we have wrestled and struggled until the point of spiritual exhaustion. Here, we are finally willing to place the entire situation at the throne of grace, and trust that no matter the outcome, He loves us, and desires that which is best for both us, and those around us. We stop wondering “when”, “why” and “how” and move forward with the life we have been given as best we can, set firmly in the belief of His goodness, grace and love. Since we have stopped fighting against Him, we are finally still and quiet enough to hear him whispering those things that He had been trying to speak into our lives and hearts all along. Because we have stopped wrestling with our circumstance, we have also stopped struggling against God. Like Jacob we find that we are holding on to Him, boldly declaring in expectancy, “I will not let go until You bless me”. And because He is faithful, He does.
For further study: Romans 8:24-26 (ESV), Psalm 25:2-4 (ESV), Hebrews 4:16, Psalm 40:1 (ESV)
To continue to prayer on this subject go to today’s Daily Hope & a Prayer.