Healing Brokeness

Once again, I am in awe of my Savior. My lovely, amazing, gracious, everything…my God, my Daddy.

Tonight marked a pivotal moment in my adult life – my re-entry into leadership within our local church. It has been a long time, and is long over-due. Not because I am so exceptionally talented. I am not. Simply because Christ has been calling, and I have been too busy. making excuses. For many years. So, tonight, I went to our annual Leadership meeting, as leader of the newly founded Clown Ministry. Who would have thought? Certainly not me. Certainly not any of my closest confidantes. But God is the Master of “Who would have thought”.

As I maneuvered through the masses, pretending to feel as if I belonged, I felt as inept and unworthy as usual. But I tried. And for me, that is progress. I tried to talk to others. I am horrible at small talk – to say the least. By the time I had arrived at home I felt utterly alone and small. I felt naked and ashamed. As I sat quietly avoiding praying and studying I realized that I felt naked because I had cloaked myself in Winnie and all of my/our issues for so long – instead of cloaking myself in the love and peace of God. And before Winnie, I had worn all of my issues. And now, without Winnie, I just felt naked and alone. It was a pretty pitiful situation. I was feeling pretty pitiful.

And, so, I set about writing Winnie a pitiful letter. I told him all about the feelings of not belonging, and the fear of rejection. I told him about trying to be more friendly and go beyond my usual habit of finishing conversations brusquely and running off before people could tell that I was inept, and instead not leaving quickly enough. I told him all about the inept words that escaped my lips when I tried my best at small talk. And the looks of pity or irritation on the faces of those I spoke with that seemed more than ready to leave my presence.

But, I also told him that in all this I knew that God was peeling layers of insecurity, and teaching me about how to enter and exit a conversation gracefully and politely. I admitted how I could see that God was teaching me that I did not have to have something to say, but instead should seek to listen more. I reasoned that He was also teaching me that I should trust in and NEED Christ and that He would never reject me. I acknowledged that I needed to begin to believe that God valued me and that I am good enough. Finally I asked Winnie to pray for me, told him I loved him, and said Good-bye.

And still I felt horrible.

I piddled and stalled until much too late and opened my Bible to complete the studying I had begun earlier. Much to my surprise, I found that shamefully, I could relate to Esau, who in Genesis sold his birthright to his brother Jacob for a measly bowl of stew. By this one act of indifference toward the awesome gifts, blessings and promises (which included redemption for the whole world) that had been bestowed by the Almighty God to Abraham and his seed, he lost his share. Clearly, Esau had not embraced the importance of this divinely prepared birthright that ought to have passed to him as firstborn. And as he did not value the importance of this gift, it passed to someone more willing. In fact, God received this indifference as contempt, as the Bible teaches us that Esau despised his birthright.

And as I began to realize how important it was that I value what God is doing, has done and will do in and through me, I began to feel so very shamed, and a lot less pitiful. As I continued to study I was certain that it was no accident that this scripture was studied on this night, and as I experienced the mercy and faithfulness of God, His peace began to settle.

However, it was not until I put turned on the MP3 player and a randomly chosen song began to play that the tears and peace flowed freely. Yes, God sees through all my feeble attempts to fit in. He is aware of my inadequacies, my fears, my ungrateful attitude, but still he loves me. He choose me. And He he loves me.  He is right there when I am hurting, or lonely, embarrassed or afraid. He is only waiting for me to to throw off my blanket of despair and wrap myself in is loving, healing arms.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalms 34:18)

Only in a great and loving God is our brokenness rewarded with wholeness – and new life.

May all of your brokenness result in wholeness.

(For your reading pleasure…)

From Change this Heart by Sidewalk Prophets

I’ve been trying to run away from this false reality

no matter where I turn my back your always right in front of me

and so I push you away but I don’t know that I’m wrong

I don’t know the words to say to make my faith that strong

 

so I will pray to you right now

to take away my sin

heal away my brokenness

and change this heart again

without you I am nothing

but a weak and dying man

so I will pray to you right now

change this heart again

 

what is going through the motions if my life is still the same

everyday’s the same old puzzle all the pieces re-arranged

and I refuse your help out of my own selfish pride

lord I have so many masks to cover up and hide

 

now I will pray to you right now

to take away my sin

come heal away my brokenness

and change this heart again